Monday, November 5, 2018

What is the meaning of True Love?





What is the meaning love? Love is what we experience in any moment that we are with someone without having or believing any judgements about that person (“good” or “bad”).

What Is The Meaning of Love – The 7 Inherent Qualities of Love

Love is complete acceptance: When we allow someone to be exactly as they are, without any belief that they aren’t good enough, without any belief that they would be “better” if they were different, this is love.

Love is completely unconditional: Love has no conditions. 

When we truly love someone, we can’t stop loving them, regardless of what they do or say. If our love is dependent upon the other person acting and speaking how we want, then this love is completely conditional. We often confuse this to be love, but this is just positive thoughts about someone. This is just loving what a person says or does, not loving them. Positive thoughts or the thought “I love you” isn’t necessary to love. Sometimes it even gets in the way.

Love is selfless: True love doesn’t want anything in return, because there is nothing it needs. We just love for the sake of love. When we love someone, we don’t look for them to fill our needs, love us back, and all those types of things. If that is what we are looking for, then we are just using the other person. What is the meaning of love? Love is completely selfless.

What Prevents Us From Loving

To understand what is the meaning of love, we really need to understand what prevents us from loving. When we believe our judgements about someone, we can feel anger, disappointment, or resentment, or we can just feel separate from that person. All of this blocks us or prevents us from loving the person we are with.

When we are with someone, and believing our judgements, commentary, or labels about them, this puts up a wall or a barrier between us. We aren’t connecting with them, loving them, and truly being with them. We are just experiencing our thoughts about them. For example, we might experience our thoughts about how they aren’t appreciative enough, aren’t in good enough shape, aren’t a good enough father etc. But these thoughts just get in the way of love.

Love Eliminates The Sense Of Separation or Loneliness

When we believe our judgements about people, it can seem as if we are alone or separate from others. This creates this longing for connection and love. All it takes to have this connection we yearn for is to just be with people without judgement. In the absence of judgement, love is what remains.

When we are not believing our judgements about someone, we are loving them, or in other words, we are being present with them (i.e. living in the moment with them). When we are present with someone, we automatically feel a closer connection to, and more intimacy with, the people around us. Our feeling of separateness from people disappears.

You Always Wanted To Love… Not To Be Loved

If you want to feel love, it is helpful to first understand what is the meaning of love. If someone else loves you, but you don’t care about that person, how much impact does that person’s love have on your level of happiness? You may have noticed, it has very little impact. If receiving love from someone else had the power to make us feel good, then anyone’s love would give us the same good feeling. But, clearly this isn’t how life works.

The reason is because fulfilment doesn’t come from receiving love; the feeling of happiness and completion we have always wanted comes from loving others. When we love someone without wanting or expecting anything in return, we feel free, open, and wonderful.

To read my full blog post all about how the feeling you want in life doesn’t come from being loved, but actually from giving love, please click here

To Live In The Moment Is To Love

Generally, we are seeking love from others to make us happy. When we are living in the moment, we are already happy because the thoughts that would normally make us unhappy aren’t there. Since we are naturally happy when we are living in the moment, there is nothing we need or want from others. We can stop looking for others to make us happy… whether that is looking to them to love us, or just fill our needs.  If there is nothing we want from others, then we are just free to love.

We don’t have to worry about whether other people will love us, leave us, or make us happy, because we are already happy. None of that matters when we are already content. We are free to purely love others, and we completely forget about the idea of seeking love.

It Is Helpful To First Understand What Love Is Not

Here are 7 things that many of us innocently mistake to be love. To read the full blog post of what love is not, with explanations of each misconception, please click here

1. When we look for someone to love us, we are looking for someone we can use to make us happy
2. If we are trying to change or improve our partner, in that moment, we are not loving them
3. Positive thoughts is not love
4. Excitement about our future with someone creates butterflies and nice feelings, but it isn’t based on love
5. If we require our partner to do things for us, in that moment, it’s not love
6. Loving how someone seems to make us feel isn’t love
7. The fear of getting hurt isn’t part of love

Love Has No Limits

We tend to think that the meaning of love is to love one person. But truly, what is the meaning of love? The beautiful thing about love is that we don’t have to limit our loving to just our romantic partner or our family. We can love everyone we encounter. When we are present, we have nothing to fear, so we don’t have to create any boundaries about who can receive our love. When we are with anyone without judging them in any way, we feel love for them. It doesn’t matter if this person is our spouse or our waiter in a restaurant.

Love you all!

Thank you so much my dear Friends.

God Bless !!

How to stop hating yourself



“Why do I hate myself?” and “How to stop hating yourself?”

I’m going to provide you with 9 different reasons and explanations to help show you why you hate yourself, and how to stop hating yourself is going to be embedded within that.

1) You don’t hate yourself in every moment

When you say “I hate myself”, it is said as if this is some permanent thing, as if this is some factual part of your existence. “I hate myself”—that’s true and factual—“I hate myself”. Let me ask you a question. Do you hate yourself in every moment? When you’re having fun, do you hate yourself? When you’re enjoying yourself: when you’re watching TV, when you’re playing video games, when you’re eating something you like, when you’re with friends and having fun with them, when you’re playing a sport, when you’re dancing, do you hate yourself in all of those moments? Probably not.

I’m sure there are some breaks in your life when you don’t hate yourself. When we say “I hate myself”, it seems really powerful and strong as if that’s some factual, consistent, steady, and stable part of our existence. But that’s not true.

When a thought arises that says “I hate myself” we feel hatred towards ourselves and shame. But, when that thought doesn’t pop up in our minds, there is no feeling of hating ourselves. It’s not as though hating ourselves is part of who we are, and therefore that’s going to be part of our life forever. Hatred comes and goes as thoughts come and go. The feeling of hatred stays exactly as long as the thought “I hate myself” keeps our attention. When that thought doesn’t show up in our minds, we are already fine with ourselves and life. In addition, in any moment that we’re distracted by from the thought that says “I hate myself”, we feel fine. There is no hatred at all.

Hating ourselves only exists as a thought, not as a fact. This is why you don’t feel hatred when you are distracted from your thoughts through entertainment, food, or some other thing that you enjoy.

2) You are not the one who hates yourself

The second thing to understand about hating yourself is to be clear about who is the one hating. When you say “I hate myself”, there are two characters there. There is the “I” that hates, and the one that is being hated. So, which one are you? And which is the one that hates?

When a thought doesn’t show up in our minds, there is no hatred at all. When our full attention is on TV, music, or video games, there is no hatred. We are just here being as we are.

But, then thoughts pop up and say “I hate that I do this”, “I hate that I’m like”, “I hate that my life is like”. As soon as thoughts say “I hate”, hatred appears. You exist in every moment, but hatred only exists when a thought pops up to say “I hate”. Therefore, thoughts are hating here, not you. Because when those thoughts aren’t here, there’s no hate. When the thought is here, there is hate.

3) The thoughts that hate aren’t you or yours

Who is this one that hates? Thoughts. But are these thoughts yours? Well, did you pick the thought I hate myself? Did you look into a basket of potential thoughts and then pick the one that says “I hate myself” to put into your mind. No, of course not. It just showed up. Where did it come from? You have no idea. One second there’s no thought here, the next second there is.

The most important thing to you and every human being is to have peace and happiness. Therefore, you would never choose to have a thought show up in your mind that hates. Why would you? It creates suffering, not peace. Nobody wants to hate themselves.

Since you didn’t pick to have the thought “I hate myself”, it has nothing to do with you. That thought is not yours.

4) Thoughts hate because society teaches us million ideas of “good” and “bad”

Why thoughts show up to hate? It all comes from our conditioning. In other words, our unique set of experiences in life, our life history. When you were young, when you were two-years-old, did you hate yourself? No, almost certainly not. We’re all just going through life enjoying ourselves at: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 more-or-less. Just having fun, regardless of whether we’re fat or skinny, we’re just there being ourselves. If we’re overweight, we don’t feel ashamed about being overweight, we’re just whatever weight we are. If we’re shy, we don’t feel it’s bad that we’re shy, we’re just happy as we are.

But, then what happens is we get taught all of these ideas of “perfect”, all of these ideas of the way things “should be”, and the “right way”. We learn that skinny is “good”; but fat is “bad”. So, then, if we’re overweight, we say that “it’s bad I’m overweight”; and we learn to hate ourselves. We learn that “shy is bad” and “outgoing is good”. So, then, if we’re shy, we learn to feel ashamed and hate ourselves. We learn that being in a relationship is “perfect”, being single is “bad”. When we’re young, before we learn that, of course we’re happy. It doesn’t matter that we’re single. But then, once we learn this, we feel bad about being single.

When thoughts say “I hate myself that I’m like this”, “it’s bad that I’m like that”, “it’s not good enough that my life is like this”, all of that is just comparing our life to what our particular society and upbringing has taught is the “right”, “perfect”, and “good” way to be and live.

5) You can stop believing the thoughts that hate

If someone approached you on the street and said “There is going to be a big earthquake in 5 minutes”, how would you react? Well, if you believed them, you might feel afraid. But, if you didn’t believe them, you would feel nothing. The same is true with the words in your mind, when you believe the words in your mind, they create emotions. But, when you don’t believe those words, they don’t create emotions.

When a stranger approaches you and says something, you don’t just automatically believe them. You would evaluate whether they were trustworthy, and you would look for evidence to see if what they are saying is true. However, when it comes to the thoughts in your mind, you automatically just believe everything that is said. We need to approach thoughts with the same skepticism as we would the words of a stranger.

When a thought says “Something about me is bad” or “It is bad that I do this” or “It is bad that I live here” or “It is bad that I don’t have that”, you just believe that this must be true. It showed up in your mind, so it just must be true. But, how do you know it’s true? How do you know it’s bad to act like this, live like this etc? What is the evidence that it is bad? Where did that thought come from?

In order to see that this thought might not be true, you could ask yourself “Can I think of a few reasons or examples as to why the opposite could be true?” Or, you could ask yourself “Could somebody else think the opposite?” You might think something about you or your life is “bad” because the people around you also think it is “bad”. But, this is the case because you have all been trained in the same way, by the same media, culture, etc.

So you think you’re boring, but somebody might think you’re fun. In some cultures, they consider it to be “good” to have more fat or weight in certain areas, and think it is “bad” to be skinny. In some societies in Asia, they consider to be “bad” to have darker skin, whereas in America, everyone wants to get a tan and think it is “bad” to be pale skinned. Some cultures decide it is best to get married in low 20s, some think in late 30s. Some cultures think it is “best” to become wealthy and successful, while others decide that this is selfish and “bad” way to live. Some people want a shy and introspective romantic partner, some want an outgoing one.

No belief about what is “good” and “bad” are true and real. They are all perspectives based on where and how you were raised. It’s all just beliefs. Just beliefs of what we were taught. The thoughts just come from society, from the media, from parents, and everything else we were exposed to in our life. There is nothing about you or your life that is actually “bad”.

6) You’re not to blame for your thoughts because you don’t pick them

Since these thoughts come from what we’re taught; we don’t control them. They’re not our fault. You didn’t decide to be brought up with the parents you had. You didn’t decide to be brought up in the place, or in the society that you had. You didn’t decide what the TV shows and movies taught you. You didn’t decide any of that. Therefore, you don’t control the thoughts that arise in your mind. If every person, movie, and magazine didn’t teach you that skinny was good , fat is bad; shy is bad, outgoing is good; big houses mean you’re successful, small houses means you’re a failure; married is best, single is bad; then you wouldn’t have any of these thoughts/beliefs.  The same is true with every single idea your mind has about what is a “bad” way to look, act, speak, and interact… what types of jobs, living situations, and marital status are “bad”.

But if you didn’t get a choice in what beliefs you were taught, then you didn’t pick what thoughts show up in your mind. You don’t control the thoughts that come up. And that means something. Do you know what that means? That means it’s not your fault that you seem to hate yourself.

It’s not your fault that all of these negative thoughts are going on in your mind. It has nothing to do with you. So you can let yourself off of the hook. It doesn’t mean that you’re stupid that you hate yourself. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you, that you hate yourself. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s not personal. You were just brought up in a society that taught you a million ideas about what is “bad”.

7) The hated qualities don’t exist in reality

The fifth thing to look at with hating ourselves is to investigate the qualities that we hate. First of all, where do these qualities exist? So we think “I am shy”, where does that exist in this moment? Shyness. Can you see it? Can you touch it? “I am shy”. It’s only a thought, it’s not real. “I am unlikable”. Where does unlikable exist? Show me it, find it. “I am unlikable”. Does it exist as a fact? Is it real? “I am boring”. Where does boring exist? How do you know? Where does failure exist? You think, “I am a failure.” Show me failure. Does it exist in reality? Is it tangible? Is it factual? Show me. Where is it? Can you find it? Locate it. It’s just a thought, it’s not real. All these qualities that we think are factually who we are truly only exist in our imagination.

The strange thing about this is that the qualities we hate aren’t even qualities at all. They’re just thoughts, that come sometimes, and then go. If the only time “I am boring” exists is when a thought shows up, then that can’t be who you are. If the only time “I am a failure” exists is when a thought says it, then it can’t be who you are. Your hand continues to exist whether or not you’re thinking about it because it is a real thing. It is not a figment of your imagination.

8) The qualities that are hated are not who you are

To approach this from a different angle, you are always you. You have always been you. When you were born, were you you? When you were five, were you you? When you were ten, were you you? Of course, you were always you. Throughout changes to your body, feelings, thoughts, actions, and everything you were always there. There was something that never changed, the fundamental you. You have always been there. Therefore, if something comes and goes, while you remain, then that thing can’t be you.

For example, you may think “I am shy. That is who I am”. But, take a moment to ask yourself the following questions: “Am I always shy? Or sometimes am I outgoing with some people, and then I’m shy with others? Am I outgoing in some situations? At some ages was I not shy?” If shyness is here sometimes, and not here at all during other times, then that can’t be a part of who you are. You have always been you. So, you can’t BE shy, you can’t BE boring because you weren’t that in every moment. In some moments there is shyness and other moments outgoingness, but that isn’t who you are.

You exist right now, therefore anything that doesn’t exist right now isn’t real or you. So, where is hated quality right now?

9) Separating the facts from your thoughts about the facts

To show you the difference between facts and thoughts, please take a moment to look at my nose in the video above. Now tell me, is it an attractive nose or an ugly nose? The truth is that attractive and ugly don’t exist as part of the facts. If you think it is ugly, ugly doesn’t exist as part of the nose. The nose is located in NY (most of the time), but “ugly” is located in your mind wherever you are. “Ugly” is not part of the nose, the facts, or reality. “Ugly” is a thought about a fact. It is a concept.

When we say that we are suffering because something about our life or who we are is “bad”, we are saying that the facts have made me unhappy. But, the facts haven’t made you unhappy. You have confused the facts with your thoughts about the facts. “Bad” doesn’t exist as part of the facts. That is a strong about the facts. We superimpose “bad” (or “ugly”) onto the facts and claim it is actually part of what we are seeing.

The facts themselves are completely neutral. There’s nothing to hate about yourself because you’re just here being. Who are you? We’re just here, being; nothing else. There is nothing “bad” about you in reality. “Bad” only exists as a thought about something.

I hope this post about how to stop hating yourself was helpful
So why we hate ourselves is because we follow the thoughts in our mind and believe that they’re true. But it has nothing to do with us because we didn’t pick the thoughts, we didn’t put them in our minds, and we didn’t control the teachers (formal and informal) that told us what is good and bad.

Now, come back to this moment. You’re just here; nothing “bad”, nothing to hate my dear Friends.

God Bless !!

Love Yourself





How To Love Yourself

When we love ourselves, we are going to be happy, regardless of our situation or what others think of us. When we don’t love ourselves, we are going to be unhappy, regardless of our situation or what others think of us. Therefore, loving ourselves is quite important. In this blog post, I am going to explain how to love yourself.

The Most Popular Tactics To Love Yourself Don’t Work

Before we get into exactly how to love yourself, I think it is important to address why the most popular and most common tactics for how to love yourself can’t give you the results that you want.

The 2 most commons tactics that I hear for how to love yourself are:

1)      Positive affirmations

2)      Treating yourself to something physically nice

Both of these tactics are fine. There is nothing wrong with doing either of these. But, if we look at these tactics closely, we can discover why they don’t have the ability give us the love that we are looking to have for ourselves.

If I think I am unlovable, then there is a reason why I believe that. If I just tell myself over and over again that I am lovable, it is very unlikely to make me fully believe that I am lovable because this statement doesn’t address the original reason for why I believed I was unlovable.

How To Love Yourself: Why Doing Something Nice For Yourself Won’t Make You Love Yourself
The only reason why we don’t love ourselves is because we believe negative thoughts about ourselves or our situation. These negatives thoughts are what create our shame and sense of unworthiness or insufficiency. When we treat ourselves to something nice externally (spa, vacation, dessert etc.), we are basically saying “I deserve this”, “it is nice that I get to experience this”, “this is something I should give myself because I am worth it”. And that is completely fine. There is no problem with this at all. It can feel enjoyable to do these things. If you enjoy it, continue doing it.

Now that we see why the 2 most common tactics for how to love yourself don’t really work, let’s examine how to truly experience love for ourselves.

The first question you have to ask yourself is “Why do I not love myself?”, “What do I not like myself?”, “Why do I feel unlovable?”, “What do I not like about my situation?”

We are generally so busy entertaining ourselves and distracting ourselves from our thoughts that we don’t allow ourselves to just be with our thoughts. And if we don’t see what thoughts are making us feel unlovable, then we certainly can’t address these thoughts.

Since negative thoughts about yourself and your life are what make you not love yourself, the answer to the question “How to love yourself?” is to address the thoughts that make you not love yourself. In order to love yourself, you need to eliminate the thoughts that make you feel unlovable.

What Thoughts Are Making You Not Love Yourself?

It may seem scary to look at why you truly don’t love love yourself. But, if you don’t look at these thoughts, if you don’t identify the reason why you don’t love yourself, you will just keep feeling the way that you do and going through life trying to make everyone else love you in order to help you love yourself. And that creates a lot of suffering.

For some of us, we might not love ourselves because we believe “I am unattractive”,  “my personality isn’t good enough”, “I am a failure”, “I am not successful enough”, “I am a bad parent”, “I am not fun enough”, or “I am not outgoing enough”. For other people, there is often no specific trait that we don’t like about ourselves. Rather, there might just be an underlying sense of unworthiness or unlovability.

You can have a look right now to see if you can find your reason. You can ask yourself any of the following questions: “Why do I not love myself?”, “What do I not like myself?”, “Why do I feel unlovable?”, “What do I not like about my situation?”

The answers might be very obvious to you, but it also might be very difficult to identify the reason or thought as to why you don’t love yourself. If you don’t want to do it right now, try to give some time toward this discovery process later on. And be patient with yourself. You can’t force it.

How to love yourself: Whatever thoughts are making you feel unlovable or unworthy, these thoughts pop up out of nowhere. You didn’t pick these thoughts. You didn’t choose them. They are not under your control. If you controlled your thoughts, you quite obviously would choose to never think negative thoughts about yourself. So this is not personal issue. Therefore, you can be gentle with yourself.

How to love yourself in this world

An Exercise To Discover That There Is Nothing Wrong With You

We tend to think that we feel insufficient because we ARE insufficient. We tend to think that we feel unlovable because we ARE unlovable. We tend to think that we feel lacking in our life because there IS something wrong with us.

But I would like to help you see how these assumptions could not be further from the truth. This will be the key in seeing how to love yourself. In order to help you do this, I would like to ask you to ask yourself the following questions:

1) Can I Escape My Unwanted Feeling When I Am Being Distracted From Thoughts?

How do I feel when I am being entertained? How do I feel when I am engaging in my favourite hobby? Do I feel lacking, do I feel unworthy, do I feel insufficient, do I not love myself in these moments? In the moments that we are having fun, we don’t feel unlovable or unworthy. In other words, when we are not thinking about ourselves (when we are distracted from thoughts), we don’t feel unlovable, unworthy, lacking, or insufficient.

If your feeling of unlovability was caused by you being unlovable, then you would continue to experience this feeling when you are simply distracted by thoughts. If your feeling of insufficiency was created by you being insufficient, then you wouldn’t be able to escape this feeling simply by distracting yourself from thoughts. If your feeling of lack was created by there being something wrong with you, then would still have this feeling even while you were being entertained.

If all it takes to eliminate your feelings of not loving yourself is to simply distract yourself from thoughts, then it must mean that your feeling of not loving yourself isn’t created by anything about yourself… but only created by thoughts about yourself.

What is the way for how to love yourself

2) Is There Factually Something “Wrong” With Me, Or Does This Idea Only Exist As A Thought About A Fact?

Take a moment and ask yourself “What are the negative things that I think about myself?” Then, ask yourself: Does this exact as fact? Am I factually unworthy of love? Am I factually unattractive? Is my situation factually bad? Is there factually something wrong with me?

Can I touch these concepts? Can I see them? Can I hold them? Can I grasp them and show them to others? If it is a fact, is this something that can be seen by everyone? Where does unlovability exist? Where is my “bad” trait? Am I not good enough factually, or does that idea only exist as a thought? What are the facts, and what are thoughts about the facts?

It is not that you ARE unlovable or unworthy. It is not as though there is something wrong with you or you are insufficient. It is not as though you have any “bad” personality traits or “bad” physical characteristics.  “Bad” can’t exist as a fact. “Bad”, “not good enough”, “unlovable”, and “unworthy” can only exist as a thought about a fact.

Therefore, your experience of being insufficient, not loving yourself, or feeling like there is something wrong with you can’t be created by the facts of who you are, what you look like, how you act or what your situation is. These feelings can only be created by thoughts in your mind. So it is not as though you ARE unlovable, it is just that you sometimes feel this way when certain thoughts pop up in your mind and you believe them.

An Exercise To Discover That Your Thoughts About Yourself Aren’t True

When you discover that your feelings of not loving yourself aren’t created by something about YOU, that can weaken the strength of these feelings, and possibly even free you from them.

But, in addition, once you see what thoughts are keeping you from loving yourself, then you can begin to question whether these thoughts are actually true. And when you stop believing a negative thought about yourself, it stops creating the emotion.

Take a moment to think of your answer to the question “What are the negative things that I think about myself?” Then, based on your answer, you can ask yourself the following:

Can I think of any reasons or examples as to why the opposite might be true? If the opposite could be true, can I be sure that my thought about myself is true?

Could someone else have the opposite perspective? Could someone think that I am attractive, enjoyable to be around, and completely worthy of love? If other people could have a positive opinion about what I think is “bad”, can I be sure that my perspective is true?

Does the “bad” quality about myself exist in every moment? Does it describe how I act or how I am in every moment? Am I always me? If I am always me, but yet this quality or characteristic doesn’t exist in every moment, then am I sure that it describes who I am?

Next Steps for How To Love Yourself:

The next time you begin to feel unworthy or not loving yourself, instead of pushing away or denying this feeling, instead of distracting yourself from this feeling, instead of telling yourself something positive and trying to convince yourself that you are great, look to see what thoughts are creating these feelings, look to see what stories are being told in your mind in that moment. And then question whether these thoughts or stories are true.

Once you see that these thoughts aren’t true, or that they aren’t real and tangible, or that these thoughts don’t mean anything about you, then you are free.

You won’t have a thought that says “I love myself” or “I am wonderful”. But you don’t need these thoughts to love yourself, you don’t need these thoughts to feel wonderful. Loving yourself is simply the absence of negative thoughts about yourself my dear Friends :-)

God Bless !!

Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work



Why positive thoughts aren’t fulfilling?

In this blog post I’m going to talk about why positive thoughts aren’t enough to give you the happiness and fulfilment that you want. The happiness created by positive thoughts is definitely enjoyable and makes us happy. However, positive-thought happiness isn’t very strong or very fulfilling.

An exercise to help you see what feelings positive thoughts create

In order to help you see for yourself that positive thought happiness isn’t very fulfilling, I would like to ask you to engage with the following exercise.

1) Please take a moment to think back to a time when you achieved something you had really wanted for a long time. This could be the moment when you got a job offer, a promotion, learned that you had passed an important exam, won a championship title, got proposed to, or anything else. Try to remember how happy you were in the first moment when you got what you wanted. Remember how that felt. Think about the all encompassing and intense happiness that you had in that moment. It was pretty great, right?

2) Now, I would like you to think to yourself, “I am in my dream job”, “I am a licensed lawyer”, “I am a champion”, “I am married”, or “I am… whatever else it was that you achieved. How happy does it make you feel when you tell yourself this?

3) Lastly, please tell yourself the story of the moment when you achieved your goal. How does this memory make you feel right now?

Directly discovering how positive thoughts don’t create a fulfilling happiness
Was the quality of your happiness the same in each of these three scenarios? For the vast majority of us, the first few moments after we achieve a goal, we are fulfilled and overtaken with happiness.

On the other hand, when you think about the achievement now, how happy does it make you feel? It generally provides a pleasant feeling, but this feeling isn’t particularly strong. And, it is completely incomparable to the all-encompassing and intense happiness we experienced in the initial few moments when we got what we wanted.

The reason that our experiences of happiness are so different between the moment we got what we wanted, and the moments when we think about it, is simply because they are created by two very different causes. The first few moments of happiness when we get what want are created by the absence of thoughts, while our happiness later on is created by positive thoughts about the present or the past.

The happiness of getting what we want

If we manage to get anything in our life to match our definition of “perfect”, when we get what we want, we often immediately experience happiness. Despite how it seems, this immediate happiness is not created by the new circumstance itself or by positive thoughts. This happiness is actually the direct result of losing the thoughts that were creating our suffering.

If we have a goal, we almost always believe the following 3 thoughts:

1)      “The way things are right now isn’t “good enough”. This creates a feeling of sadness, lack, and insufficiency in our life.

2)      “I (someone else) is to blame for the current “bad” circumstances”. This creates a feeling of shame or anger.

3)      “It would be “bad” if I never achieve my goal.” This thought creates anxiety and fear.

But, in the moment that we achieve our goal (i.e. make things “perfect”), there will be no more thoughts about how this particular circumstance is “bad”, no more thoughts about who is to blame for the “bad” circumstance, and no more thoughts about the possible “bad” outcome of not getting what we want. These negative thoughts created our sadness, anger, and anxiety about this specific circumstance. Therefore, when these negative thoughts leave, we are left with happiness. Happiness is what remains when there are no thoughts to create our suffering. This is the experience of the present moment.

If, in the moment that you got your achievement, the happiness was created by positive thoughts, then you would have the same experience in this moment when you tell yourself the same positive thoughts about achieving your goal (i.e. “I am a champion”). But, yet it doesn’t. The happiness is very different because they are created by 2 very different things.

There are a few reasons why our positive thoughts aren’t very fulfilling and don’t create the all-pervasive happiness that we experience when we get what we want.

In the midst of positive thoughts there are still negative thoughts

By nature, when we think some aspect of our lives is “great”, we also still believe that other aspects are “bad”. Therefore, when we think a positive thought, our happiness is generally being held back by the attention, whether conscious or not, that we’re giving to some negative thoughts in the background.

In other words, when you tell yourself a positive thought about something, that one thing is not your whole life. For example, if you say “I am successful”, “I am a lawyer”, or “I’m married”, it doesn’t eliminate all the other thoughts about how “I’m not good enough at this”, “he is not good enough at that”, “It would be bad if that happened”, or “It would be bad if they thought that about me”. These thoughts are still creating lack, disappointment, anger, anxiety, and worry underneath the surface when a positive thought/story is being told in your mind.

Positive thoughts are not stable or real

When we have a positive thought about something, it is usually easy (or at least possible) for that thought to change so that it becomes “worse”. Therefore, when we rely on positive thoughts to make us happy, there is almost always a constant subtle anxiety that our positive thought might change and we might lose our happiness.

For example, if you think about yourself, “I am attractive”, this would give you a little pleasure. Since you like this pleasure, of course you would not want this thought to change to “I am unattractive”. Obviously, it doesn’t feel nice to think “I am unattractive”. But, once you unconsciously decide that it would be “bad” to think “I am unattractive”, you start to feel a subtle anxiety about the possibility of that thought changing to “I am unattractive”. It’s not as though attractiveness is a real and stable thing, just “I am attractive” end of story. No, this thought can be affected of many different things such as gaining weight, skin problems, ageing, or anything else. In order to maintain your thought “I am attractive”, you may frequently worry about whether your face, clothes, and body meet your definition of “attractive”.

If others were to tell you that you are unattractive, or if you get rejected or broken up with, it would be harder to continue to believe, “I am attractive”. Therefore, you would naturally begin to worry about what others think.

Because positive thoughts aren’t real and tangible, they are not stable. Since they can be relatively easily lessened, worsened, eliminated, there is always at least a subtle worry of losing the positive thought. But, most often, it is a very apparent worry.

Memories are tinged with discontent about this moment

Generally, the most common time we go to memories is when we’re not content in this moment. When we are enjoying ourselves, we usually have no reason to start telling stories of the past. But, when we don’t like where we are, we go to our memories to provide us with a little enjoyable escape.

Therefore, even while we are telling the nice story from our past (the memory), if the memory doesn’t take our full 100% attention, a small portion of our attention is still given to our negative thoughts about this moment. These negative thoughts in the background create a sense of lack, and prevent us from fully experiencing the happiness of our memory (a positive thought). In addition, memories are also often tinged with the anxiety of knowing that we have to come back to this “worse” moment or from thinking that we may never have such a “good” moment again.

For example, if you think about your wonderful vacation on the beach last month, this will give you some pleasure, and maybe put a smile on your face. However, telling yourself this great story will also at least create subtle thoughts about how where you are right now isn’t as “good” as where you were, which creates the feeling that you are lacking something. We usually aren’t aware that the anxiety or negative thoughts are present when we are giving attention to our positive memory, but this is part of the reason why positive-memory happiness is a much less peaceful and satisfying experience than present-moment happiness.

Positive thoughts are pleasurable, but not enough

In conclusion, positive thoughts give us pleasure, but if you really want to be fulfilled, if you really want lasting peace in your life, you need to go beyond positive thoughts. And I welcome you to do it. I invite you to do it.

Thank you so much my dear Friends :-)

God Bless !!

How To Be Happy Alone



How To Be Happy Alone

The interesting thing about the question “How to be happy alone?” is that the question itself exposes the reason why you are unhappy alone. Let me break it down for you.

You believe that a relationship is the key to happiness

If you’re asking the question “How to be happy alone?”, it’s almost certainly because you believe “being in a relationship is the key to happiness”. This belief may also show up as “It’s best to be in a relationship”, “you should be in a relationship”, “you’d be happiest if you’re in a relationship”, “life is meaningless if you don’t have someone to share it with”, “love is the key to happiness” or something along those lines.

Are you believing one of those things? Almost certainly. Because, if you didn’t believe that being in a relationship created happiness, then you would ask “How to be happy?” instead of “How to be happy alone”. The question implies that it is harder to be happy if you’re not in a relationship.

Why you are unhappy alone

When you believe that a relationship (or love) is the key to happiness, and you aren’t in a relationship (or aren’t loved), then you will automatically believe that your life isn’t good enough. You unconsciously (or consciously) compare your life how it is to your idea of the “perfect” life. And when your life doesn’t match your idea of “perfect”, it is unconsciously decided that the way things are isn’t good enough.

As soon as you decide that your life isn’t good enough, you begin to feel lacking and as though there’s something missing in your life.

Why your feeling of lack can’t be created by being single

For most people it can seem as though the feeling of lack is not created by a belief, but actually caused by not having a romantic partner in your life. Let’s examine that assumption.

When you’re watching a comedy/action movie and are fully immersed in the movie, do you feel unhappy about being single? No, certainly not. Why? Because, in a moment when you’re giving your full attention to a movie, you’re not thinking about how bad it is to be single. When you’re doing something that you love like going to yoga class, playing a sport, dancing, playing with your kids, hanging out with your friends, or something like that, are you unhappy about being single? No. Why not? Because you are distracted from the thoughts that claim your life isn’t good enough.

If being single factually created unhappiness and a feeling of lack, then you would be forced to feel lacking and unhappy in every moment that you are single. But, if all it takes to stop feeling lacking and unhappy is to just distract yourself from your thoughts, then it is clear that your feeling of lack and unhappiness must be created by thoughts.

An exercise to watch how thoughts create the feeling of lack

The only time you feel lacking and unhappy when you’re single is when you tell yourself the story about how life would be so much better if you were in a relationship. To see this for yourself, let’s do a little exercise. First take a moment to ask yourself “How do I feel right now?” Maybe you feel okay, not so bad, or a little bit of lack, but nothing too strong.

Now, please take a moment to tell yourself some of the following thoughts. And when one of them feels true, start telling yourself all of the stories about it. “It would be so great if I was in a relationship”, “It’s terrible having no one to love me”, “My life will mean nothing if I don’t find someone to love me”, “I should be in a relationship (or married) by now”, “I’ll never be happy if I don’t get married”.

How does it make you feel when you tell yourself these stories? Unhappy? Sad? Lacking? Fearful? A minute ago, before you told these stories in your mind, these feelings weren’t there, but once you start giving attention to these stories, the feelings appear. If these emotions show up as soon as the thoughts show up, it is clear that the thoughts must be creating the emotions.

It may seem that your feeling of lack proves that your life is somehow factually lacking something, but the truth is that this feeling of lack is only created by believing stories in your mind.

How to be happy alone? Discover that a relationship can’t make you happy
Now that you have seen that thoughts/belief are what’s making you feel unhappy and lacking, the next question is “What do I do about it?” The primary cause of your unhappiness when you’re alone is created by comparing your life now to your idea of the “perfect life”. Therefore, the way to be happy now is to discover that your life right now is not “worse” than the “perfect” life. In other words, you have to discover that the “perfect” life isn’t as perfect as you thought it was. Then, you will no longer decide that your life isn’t good enough, which will stop creating the feeling of lack and unhappiness.

The real reason why you want a relationship (and whatever ideas you have that go with it) is because you believe that it will make you feel happy, lovable, okay, complete, fulfilled, free, relaxed, or something along these lines. Therefore, if you want to feel happy alone, all you need to do is to discover that a relationship, marriage, and love can’t give you any of these feelings that you want. This discovery ends the comparison that creates your suffering. That may sound ridiculous in this moment, but at the end of this explanation you’ll see this very clearly for yourself.

Why a relationship can’t make you happy

So, does a relationship, love, or marriage create happiness? Well, if it created happiness, then everyone who had it would be happy. But, is everyone’s who’s married and in a relationship happy? No, clearly not. The divorce rate in America is over 50%. Therefore, marriage and companionship itself clearly doesn’t create happiness.

But, what if the person you were in a relationship with was “perfect” for you in every way? Surely, then you would be happy, right? Well, imagine that you have this perfect partner that you want, a perfect marriage… would you not still have anxiety about your job? Will you have no anxiety about money? Are you going to stop worrying about what other people think of your appearance, your personality, and how you act? Are you not still going to have insecurities about your personality, appearance? Are you not going to still insecure about whether you’re smart enough, funny enough, outgoing enough etc? Will you not have insecurities about your stomach, your face, your butt, your thighs, your legs, all of that? You’re not going to have any of that? Are you not going to judge others? Are you not going to get angry at others? Are you not going to feel sad about events that happen? Are you still not going to feel sad, guilty, or ashamed about things that happened in the past?

Even if you get the so-called “perfect” person for you to marry you or love you, that doesn’t have the ability to eliminate all of the thoughts that make you unhappy (or practically any of them).

If you get the “perfect” partner, you will have new suffering

If you enter into a relationship with someone that you believe is “perfect” for you, it can be enjoyable, and it can be fun. It can also give us a few new unconscious thoughts of “my life is great because I am in a relationship now” and “If he loves me, that must mean that I am lovable”. These two new thoughts will create some pleasure.

But, as soon as you decide that the relationship makes you happy in some way, you have also decided that it would be bad for the relationship to end. As soon as you decide that their love makes you happy and means something about who you are, you have also decided that it would be bad and mean something about you if they stop loving you. If you think that your happiness is dependent on the relationship, then of course you are going to fear losing the relationship. That may show up as being afraid that they will leave you, cheat on you, or even die. If you believe that your happiness or “love-ability” is dependent on their love for you, then of course you are going to fear losing their love. This fills the relationship with worrying about whether they still love you, and requires you to make an effort to be someone “lovable” in order to keep their love.

Since you will be afraid that your partner will leave you or stop loving you, you will inevitably constantly look for reassurance that you partner still loves you. You will want them to show you appreciation, get you gifts, tell you that they love you, call you, and so on just to continually prove and reaffirm their love for you since you can never know for sure that they still love you.

Life outside of the relationship isn’t as fun when you look to a relationship to make you happy
The fact of the matter is that even if you are married or in a relationship, the vast majority of your time on any given day will not be spent with your romantic partner. When you’re at work, or when they’re at work, you’re not with your partner. And that is most of the day.

If you are looking for your happiness from one person that is not with you most of the time, then that is a recipe for suffering. You may think that you are alone now, but you will continue to be alone most of the time even when you are in a relationship. The only thing that changes is a thought that pops up in your head from time to time that says “I have a romantic partner that loves me”. But, you don’t even know that to be true. It’s just an assumption, a belief, a guess, a hope. In addition, when you are not with them, it is harder to be reminded and reaffirmed that your partner loves you, so it leaves room for more doubt, worry, and jealousy.

What it means if a relationship can’t make you happy

If you see that a relationship can’t make you happy, and can’t make anybody happy, then all of the sudden that means that you’re not lacking anything right now. You’re life is not any worse because you’re single. You don’t have less of a chance of being happy because you’re single. The people in relationships are not happier than you. You’re life isn’t not good enough to be happy simply because you don’t have a romantic partner. No, you have the same chance of being happy as anyone else. You are at no disadvantage whatsoever by being single.

How to be happy alone… what to do

Recognizing that being in a relationship can’t make you happy will eliminate some of your feelings of shame and lack about being single, but there will still be a lot of other thoughts that make you unhappy in life. Therefore, to truly answer the question “How to be happy alone?”, the answer is: The same way to make yourself happy when in a relationship… Lose the thoughts that make you unhappy.

How do you do that? First, you have to identify the thoughts that make you unhappy. Once you do that, all you have to do is discover that these thoughts aren’t true. When you stop believing a thought, that thought will stop creating an emotion.

If you’re in a relationship, and you still believe all the thoughts that give you anxiety, worry, insecurity, judgement, resentment, arguments all that, you’re going to be unhappy. Therefore, in a relationship, you need to examine the thoughts that make you unhappy. The same goes for when you’re single. You need to examine the thoughts that make you unhappy. Just as you recognized in this blog post that the belief “A relationship is the key to happiness” isn’t true, you can do that with every thought that creates suffering.

I hope you found this blog post about how to be happy alone helpful.

The truth is, when you’re not following your thoughts, or you’re distracted from thoughts, you’re already happy. Therefore, being alone doesn’t make you unhappy. You’re already okay as you are. The only thing that makes you unhappy is following the negative stories in your mind.

Thank you so much Guys :-)

God Bless !!

How To Deal With Loneliness



How To Deal With Loneliness

In order to understand how to deal with loneliness, we first need to be very clear about what’s causing the loneliness.

What most people think is causing their loneliness

So what’s causing your loneliness? Well, what do you think is causing it? If you are single, you probably think that your loneliness is caused by being alone and not having a romantic partner. And if you’re in a relationship, you probably think it’s caused by your partner not loving you, not appreciating you enough, or having the wrong partner.

Proving that what you thought caused loneliness… definitely doesn’t
Now, let’s take a look at what’s actually causing your loneliness. To do this, let’s examine the most common things that people think cause loneliness.

Exercise 1: Does being alone cause loneliness?

Does being alone cause loneliness? Well, take a look at your life. Are you lonely in every moment that you’re alone? Or do you sometimes not feel lonely when: you’re distracted from your thoughts, you’re watching TV, playing sports, eating good food, cooking, eating dessert, dancing, playing with kids, or doing something fun? When you are distracted and entertained you almost certainly don’t feel lonely. This is because in those moments you’re just not thinking about how you are alone. If being alone caused loneliness, then you wouldn’t be able to escape or lose this loneliness simply by entertaining yourself. But, yet you almost certainly don’t feel lonely at many different points during any given day.

Exercise 2: Is everyone that’s alone, lonely?

Is everyone that’s alone, lonely? Of course not. If being alone created loneliness then everyone that is alone would feel lonely. Can you see that? In addition, if being alone created loneliness then anyone who was not alone wouldn’t be able to feel lonely. This would mean that everyone who is in a relationship wouldn’t be able to feel lonely. But, clearly that’s not the case. Many people in relationships feel lonely. I speak to these people all the time. If people in relationships can feel lonely, then clearly being alone isn’t the cause of loneliness. And that very clear means that being in a relationship with someone isn’t the cure for loneliness.

Exercise 3: Does the lack of being loved create loneliness?

Does the lack of being loved create loneliness? Well, let’s take a look. Are you loved? Do your parents love you? Do your friends love you? Do some people love you? If relevant, does your romantic partner love you? There are probably some people that love you. But yet, you still feel lonely. If being loved got rid of loneliness, then you wouldn’t feel lonely. To give you an example, there are many famous pop stars that have millions of people that absolutely love them and adore them. But, yet we often see in documentaries and interviews that they feel unhappy and lonely… which often motivates them to go to drugs. This demonstrates that being loved doesn’t cure loneliness and that not being loved can’t be the cause of loneliness.

The only thing creating your loneliness is thoughts

The previous exercises clearly demonstrate that none of the things that seem to be causing loneliness actually do. The only thing that causes loneliness is our own thoughts. Therefore, the answer to the question of “How to deal with loneliness?” is to address the thoughts that create your loneliness.

But, what thoughts are creating this loneliness? Well that depends. There are a few different types of thoughts that cause loneliness. But, broadly speaking, there is one major thought for single people and one major thought for people in relationships. First we’re going to look at loneliness for single people, and then we’re going to look at loneliness in relationships.

The specific thoughts that cause loneliness for single people

How to deal with loneliness for single people: What happens is that we were taught by our society, our media, our family, and our friends to believe that: “being in a relationship would make me happy”, “being in a relationship would make me feel complete and whole”, “I should be in a relationship and get married”, and “being in a relationship is how to be happiest”. And as soon as we create this fantasy, we compare our reality to the fantasy. Then, all of the sudden, this moment unconsciously judged to be completely insufficient, lacking, and not good enough. And these thoughts are what create our loneliness.

So, paradoxically having a fantasy about what you think will make you happy, creates loneliness in this moment. As you are likely aware, this then causes to be constantly searching for somebody to love us. On top of that, this leads to having fear and anxiety that we will never find someone to be with and someone to love us.

Put simply, when we are single, what creates our loneliness is the belief that a relationship can make us happy. So if you want to stop feeling lonely, you need to question that belief. You need to question whether a relationship can give you the happiness that you want. Let’s examine that now.

How to deal with loneliness when single: Discover that a relationship can’t fulfill you
Can a relationship fulfil you, make you feel whole, or make you feel as happy as you want to be? Let’s examine it.

To understand what can make you happy, you first need to understand what’s causing your unhappiness. And the simple answer is: thoughts cause your unhappiness. Here are some of the most common thoughts that make you unhappy: judgements about yourself, insecurities, thoughts about yourself that make you feel ashamed, worrying about what people think, anxiety about the future, judgements about situations in our life, judgements about people in your life, negative thoughts about “bad” events from our past, resentment towards the people in our life, and feeling guilty about the past. All this creates our unhappiness, and lack of fulfilment.

Therefore, the real question you have to ask yourself isn’t “Can a relationship make me happy?”, but rather “Can a relationship eliminate the thoughts that make me unhappy?” Take a moment to look at whether you think that spending time with someone you love or enjoy could eliminate all the unwanted thoughts mentioned above.

It is very clear that a relationship itself doesn’t have the ability to get rid of your anxiety about the future, your worrying about what other people think, or your judgements about yourself. It just doesn’t have that ability. If it did, everyone in a relationship would be happy. But yet clearly, they aren’t. Alright, that doesn’t mean that you cannot be happy, it just means that a relationship can’t make you happy in of itself.

You can be happy now… even if you’re single

How to deal with loneliness: Well, we tend to look at happiness as it’s acquired or achieved. That if we just got “this” we’d be happy, or got “that” we’d be happy. But happiness is what remains when we lose thoughts that make us unhappy. That’s it. If you can see that a relationship doesn’t have the ability to make you happy, then you can stop giving so much attention to your fantasy about how wonderful it would be if you were in a relationship. Whether you’re in a relationship or you’re single doesn’t affect your happiness; only thoughts do.

So being single, being alone, and being by yourself doesn’t create unhappiness, only thoughts do. So you’re not in a disadvantageous position of being happy. You can be as happy and fulfilled just as easily as somebody in a relationship can be. Your life is not lacking, your life isn’t missing anything, and your life isn’t insufficient just because you’re single. It’s okay. Being single doesn’t mean anything. It absolutely doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. If you can see that, then watch the loneliness just subside. You’re not missing anything.

What seems to be causing loneliness in relationships… really doesn’t

How to deal with loneliness for people in relationships: A large percentage of the married people that come to me for sessions feel lonely even though they are in relationships. Often times, even if our relationship seems perfect, even if the other person loves us, and even our life seems to be great, we often still experience loneliness.

Generally, when we are in a relationship, but still feel lonely, we look to blame it on something. We might decide “They don’t love me enough”, “They don’t appreciate me enough”, “They don’t spend enough time with me”, “They’re not intimate enough with me”, “They don’t cuddle enough”, “They’re not close enough”, or “They spend too much time at work”. We blame the loneliness on all of these things, as if they are the cause of our loneliness. But none of these things cause loneliness.

And the easy way to see that is to just look. In a moment when you’re by yourself, and you’re not with your partner, are you always lonely in these moments? If not being with your partner created this loneliness then every moment that you’re weren’t with them, you would feel lonely.

If your partner not being intimate enough with you created loneliness, then every moment that you weren’t intimate, you would be lonely. But clearly that’s not the case. Sometimes you feel lonely, sometimes you don’t. What happens is that there are specific stories that create loneliness. And when you tell these stories, the loneliness comes. But when you don’t tell those stories, there is no loneliness.

How to deal with loneliness when in relationship: First, discover what stories are creating your loneliness

If you want to know how to deal with loneliness, you first have to see what specific stories you are telling that create your loneliness. To give you hint, loneliness is almost always created by the following 2 things:

Comparing our relationship to our ideas about what is the perfect relationship

Comparing our partners’ actions to our ideas about what is the perfect way for a romantic partner to act

So if we believe they should be spending x amount of hours with us every day, and when they don’t spend that amount of time with us we think, “It’s not good enough that they’re not spending that amount of time with me.” Or if we think that they should want to hold me, and they should tell me that they love me. Right? Or telling me that they love me means that they do love me, or something like that. When they don’t tell us that they love us, when they don’t cuddle us, when they don’t do those things; we think, “If they loved me, they would do those things.” Or. If it was a perfect relationship, they would do those things; and then we feel lacking and insufficient. Right?

When you don’t judge, you don’t feel lonely

But, in any moment that you don’t judge your partner, when you let any ideas of how they should be acting, or what they should be doing, or what the perfect relationship would be like. There’s no loneliness, they’re just present with them. You’re just being here with them. When you’re just here with your partner, or without your partner; everything is fine, regardless of what they’re doing. But as soon as you start to tell stories, loneliness comes.

How do you feel when you judge your partner?

In this moment, just look. What do I judge that’s not good enough about them? Do I judge that they don’t spend enough time with me? Do I judge that they don’t tell me they love me enough? That they don’t appreciate me enough. Right? So look at what you judge them to do. And then notice that when you have that judgement; that’s when loneliness comes. So, if you can see that then you can stop blaming them for your loneliness. It has nothing to do with whether they appreciate you enough, or how much they appreciate you. It only has to deal with whether you think about them appreciating you enough or not enough.

If you can see that, then you can come back to this moment. Oh, I’m not missing anything. It’s just these thoughts that are creating loneliness. Nothing else, it’s nothing to do with them. And when you stop judging them, you’re left with love for them. When you don’t believe you’re judgements about someone, what’s left is love. Love is simply what remains when you don’t have judgements about others. So when you don’t judge your partner to be not good enough, you’ll feel love for them. And we can’t be lonely and feel love. We tend to think that somebody loving us will get rid of our loneliness, but it can’t. No matter what somebody else does that doesn’t get rid of our loneliness.

What gets rid of our loneliness when we’re in a relationship is loving the other person. Just loving them, that’s it. So if you want to stop feeling lonely, look to see what judgements you have about your partner and the relationship. And then question whether they’re true or not. Question whether they are important or not. Because when you lose those judgements you will be left with love; and be left without your loneliness.

I hope this post about how to deal with loneliness helps. Please let me know how it goes.

Thank you so much for reading my dear Friends :-)

God Bless !!

How To Stop Thinking About Someone



How To Stop Thinking About Someone?

Do you want to know how to stop thinking about someone? Do you want to know how to stop missing someone? In this blog post, I will answer both of these questions. Generally, when we want to stop thinking about someone, we try to push the thoughts away, stop them, deny that we have them, or distract ourselves from these thoughts.

As you may have come to discover, these tactics generally don’t bring the results that we want and don’t help us to stop thinking about the person we’re thinking about. In this blog post, I am going to introduce you to a new tactic that is likely to be much more effective. But, before I talk about how to stop thinking about someone, I just want to briefly explain what missing someone is.

What seems to be the cause of missing someone?

If someone was with you that you love, and they are no longer with you, it can seem as if missing that person is a direct result of that person you love no longer being with you. It seems as though missing someone is an automatic reaction to not being with someone you love, and it is an impossible reaction to escape. It seems as if when someone you love leaves you, you miss them, and that’s just the way it works. There’s no choice in the matter. The feeling of missing someone seems to be directly created by not being around someone you love.

But, now it is time to examine this assumption.

The real cause of missing someone

Let me ask you a question, do you have anything that you do for fun? Take a moment to think about some of the things that you enjoy doing the most. For example, maybe you watch movies, maybe you eat desserts, maybe you go dancing, maybe you play sports, or maybe you play with your kids.

If you are missing someone, and then you engage in some activity that you really enjoy, would you be able to have fun or enjoy yourself? In other words, are you able to have fun and be happy when you are engaging in these activities even though the person you love is not here? Yes, you would almost certainly still be able to have fun when you are doing something you love.

When you engage in activities that you like, you are able to enjoy yourself because you are distracting yourself from the thoughts that make you unhappy. So, if the person you love is no longer here, but yet you can be happy simply by distracting yourself from thoughts, then clearly your feeling of missing them isn’t created by the factual circumstance of that person not being here. If your feeling of missing someone was directly created by a person you love not being here with you, then you would be forced to have this feeling of missing them for as long as they weren’t here with you, and you wouldn’t be able to escape this feeling simply by distracting yourself from your thoughts.

Can you see how missing someone is not created by someone you love not being here with you, but is actually directly created by thoughts? When you think about someone you love not being here, you miss them. But, when you are not thinking about them, you don’t miss them. The feeling of missing someone is just created by thinking about someone that you want to be here, but isn’t here.

To understand how to stop thinking about someone, you need to understand why you think about them?

Let me first say this: there is no problem with thinking about anyone. It is not as though you shouldn’t do it or it is a bad thing to do. But, if you want to know how to stop thinking about someone, then you first have to understand why you are thinking about them. If you don’t understand why you are thinking about someone, then it is very, very difficult to stop thinking about them. You will end up just trying to push your thoughts away, rather than directly addressing the cause of why you’re thinking about them.

So why do you think about the person you are thinking about? When it comes to relationships, which is the most common situation for when we want to stop thinking about someone, the reason why we think about them is because we think that we would be happier if they were here. The reason why you keep thinking about them or missing them is because you think you would be happier if they were here.

Are you thinking about someone because you think you would be happier if they were here?
To test this out, think about a time that you were enjoying yourself while the person you have been missing isn’t here. In the moment that you were having fun, being happy, and enjoying yourself, were you thinking about the person you have been missing? No, almost certainly not. This is because when you are already happy, there is no reason to think about the person you have been missing.

But when you’re sitting there, not particularly happy, or just not doing much, your mind just keeps bringing up how you would be happier if they were here and that causes you to keep thinking about them.

If you thought that you would be unhappier if they were here, would you continue to think about them? No, almost certainly not. Do you see how that is true?

Let’s examine whether you would actually be happier if the person you are thinking about was here
When we are thinking about someone, what we do is we remember a moment of pleasure (or happy moments) from our time with them, and then we think (often unconsciously) “I would be happier if they were here”. But let’s now examine this major assumption “I would be happier if they were here”.

Tactic #1: Were you always happy and fulfilled when they were?

How to stop thinking about someone: Were you always happy when the person you are missing was here? Were all of your times together enjoyable? Were there some moments when you were with them and you were worrying about what they think? Were there some moments when you were really annoyed with them, when you judged them, when they judged you, when you got in arguments, when you were worried about whether they were cheating on you, when you were worried about whether they still loved you, when you resented them because they didn’t appreciate you enough, when you felt uncomfortable because you were trying to please them?

When you are thinking about how you would be happier if they were here, you are thinking about a specific moment/s of pleasure that you had with them, but you can’t just bring back the happy/fun moments. If you bring the person you have been thinking about back into your life, you will be bringing everything back. You will be bringing the worrying, resentment, disappointment, arguing, doing things you don’t like, and all of that stuff along with the fun moments. Right?

So let me ask you the question: Do you know with absolute certainty that you would be happier if the person you have been thinking about was here? Is it possible that there would be more unhappiness in my life if they came back into my life? Just asking yourself these questions might help you to discover “I don’t actually know whether I would be happier if they were here again”.

Tactic #2: Could new things come into your life that wind up making you happier?

How to stop thinking about someone: Maybe your experience with the person you are thinking about was almost always wonderful and filled with happiness. But, that experience is over now. Now, you have a new experience in your life. In other words, your experience in life is now different because you no longer have that person in your life. And then you decide “I would be happier if they were here”. But, do you know what all of the effects are of losing the person that you were with?

Do you know for sure that you won’t wind up being happier single? Is it possible that losing that person will allow you to spend more time with friends, to make new friends, or to spend more time engaging with your hobbies? Is it possible that you will find someone else that you will enjoy being with much more than the last person? Can you be absolutely sure that these things aren’t possible? Is it possible that all of these types of things could wind up leaving you happier in your life without the person you have been thinking about? Is it possible that something wonderful will happen to you now that they are no longer in your life? Can you think of a few good effects of the person you are thinking about no longer being here with you?

If it is possible that you could be happier without the person that you have been thinking about, then you don’t need to keep thinking about how you would be happier if they were. Because the truth is that you don’t know whether you would be happier if they were here.

Tactic #3: Could your unhappiness motivate you to start working on yourself, which could make you much happier?

How to stop thinking about someone: Losing the person you have been thinking about seems to have created some unhappiness for you. But, that is just one, very short-term effect. Is it possible that this unhappiness you are experiencing will provoke you to start examining your unhappiness, to start questioning what makes you unhappy, to discover that thoughts cause your unwanted emotions, and to discover how to address these thoughts, which will ultimately make you much happier in life?

In other words, most of us go through life assuming that external circumstances and events make us happy and unhappy. But, the truth is that our thoughts about external circumstances and events cause all of our emotions. And, if you learn how to deal with, or eliminate, the thoughts that would normally make you unhappy, then you will be significantly happier in your life. It is possible that the unhappiness you are experiencing from losing someone will cause you to see thoughts that you didn’t know you had, and to somehow get you to a website like this which can show you how to deal with the thoughts that make you unhappy. And that could make you much happier in your life.

Tactic #4: Could “bad” things have happened in your relationship with the person you are thinking about if they were still here?

How to stop thinking about someone: Is it possible that if the person you have been thinking about was still here, maybe something bad would have happened? Is it possible that they would have cheated on you? Is it possible that the relationship would have gotten old and boring? Is it possible that you would have gotten into a big argument that really hurt both of you? Is it possible that you would have gotten more and more jealous or more and more worried about whether they still love you?  Is it possible that if they were here, they would keep you from doing something that was really wonderful and important to you, and you would miss out on it? Is it possible that you would wind up much more unhappy if they were here?

You can’t possibly know whether any of this would happen or not. So when you are thinking about someone, it is an uninvestigated assumption that you would be happier if they were here. But, as you can see, you can’t possibly know whether that’s true.

Tactic #5: Could either of you have changed, making the relationship incompatible?

How to stop thinking about someone: If the person you are thinking about was still here, is it possible that they would have changed in some way that you wouldn’t like? Is it possible that you would have changed in some way where you no longer like being with them? Is it possible that something would have happened to make both of you not a good fit for each other anymore? Is it possible that the enjoyable moments you had together would have been over very soon?

Thank you so much my dear Friends :-)

God Bless !!

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